I hope you’ve made all your bribes and finished your doping cycles — the Olympic Games are about to begin!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year for many sports fans but with every event now streamed live online and 50 different channels broadcasting the games, it can be difficult to decide what to watch. Muddying the water even more is the addition of four new events to the Olympic program this year.
To help, I’ve made a ranking of eight key events, including all the new ones, to give you an idea of what’s coming and where the biggest drama will unfold. Here they are, the most exciting events of the 2018 Olympic Games:
8) Last place, luge: Did you know that there is now a luge team relay? Of course you didn’t, because luge is weird. The team relay debuted in the 2014 Sochi Games and involved racers slapping a touch pad at the end of the course to open the start gate for team members above. In theory, it’s exciting but they’re all still lugers. I have trouble going nuts for a sport where the top skill seems to be scratching at the track with spike gloves like some sort of deranged ice cat. And I’m not here to judge, but pairs luge? What two consenting adults in skintight rubber do on their sled is their own business but some sports are best practised away from the prying eyes of the public.
7) Speed skating: They’ve added a mass-start race to the long-track speed skating program for 2018, with up to 24 racers sharing the same track normally occupied by just two. Again, kind of weird. There’s bumping and jostling, just like in short-track speed skating, and with those long skate blades in such close proximity, there’s always a chance someone will get their face sliced off. Feel the excitement! Watch the major arteries!
6) Russia: Russia is not an official event — they’re not even an official country at these games. The country was banned due to massive and ongoing drug scandals. Some Russian athletes will still go to South Korea but they won’t get to wear their own flag — they’ll basically be competing for the country of NotRussia. It’s a bit of a surprise that the International Olympic Committee was able to pass these sanctions given the pro-Russian stance taken by the leader of the United States, Vladimir Putin.
5) Figure skating: How is it going to work with NotRussia competing this year? Will there be NotRussian judges conspiring to hold down the scores of competitors who are not NotRussian? At least we know Patrick Chan will be there killing it for Canada. In fact, he’s already won the gold for best Twitter handle. Way to go @Pchiddy!
4) Hockey: The NHL and its team owners hate fun, and so they decided not to allow the league’s players to go to the Olympics this year. There still will be some great hockey played by some very good players, although the men likely won’t produce a moment as sublime and memorable as Sidney Crosby’s 2010 golden goal. Hockey also gets points taken off because of the involvement of Don Cherry, who last weekend questioned the “left-wing pinkos” who believe in climate change, calling them “cuckaloos.” Cuckaloos? You’d think he’d be a little more sensitive to the damaging effects of climate change given that he’s the world’s last surviving dinosaur.
3) Parallel freestyle dictators: Kim Jong-un would seem to have a massive advantage over Donald Trump to see who can win gold in the Crazy World Leader competition because the games are being held in his backyard. The Olympics are so close, so easy to nuke! Trump won’t go down without a fight, though. “I’m a big league fan of the Winter Olympics. Believe me. The Olympics, and the games. I like them both. And luge. Luge is yuuuuge. The Winter Olympics are so great. Everywhere you look, it’s white!” What a battle. Kim vs. Trump: faster, higher, wronger.
2) Skiing/snowboarding: Tough to pick a winner here. There’s nothing quite so thrilling as an Olympic downhill ski race, with competitors seemingly always on the verge of flying into the trees at 130 km/h. Snowboarding has swag, though, including a new event, snowboard big air. Points are awarded for big-ness, air-ness and swag-ness. Bonuses for not giving a f---. Snowboarding!
1) Mixed doubles curling: Trust me on this one. This is a new event and you’re going to love it. One man, one woman, one whole new set of wacky curling rules most likely crafted by a drunken Russ Howard. Keep an eye on Team Canada as hunky John Morris, a firefighter and personal trainer, and adorable Kaitlyn Lawes make mind-blowing shots and share slightly awkward hugs while Lawes constantly reminds reporters that she has a serious boyfriend who is definitely not the super sensitive sexy shot-maker teaming up with her at the games. No sir. They’re just friends who happen to have perfect draw weight and look great in form-fitting curling gear. Mixed doubles! Yup, you’re going to like this one.
Let the games begin.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News.
[email protected] • @Sports_Andy
