Nadia found herself standing on the grass at Rocky Point Park.
She was waiting for strangers. She watched children as they ran in circles on the playground, bumping into each other as they scrambled to get onto the rubberized merry go round. Some of the children reacted with laughter, some with tears, but always, they held tight as someone ran with abandon, pulling the circle faster and faster.
Nadia, herself, had been a quirky child who spent a lot of time alone. She hadn’t been fashionable enough to fit in the popular kids nor smart enough to run with the nerds. She’d tried to remain invisible because, in her mind, it was the safest place to be.
This was why, a few weeks ago, she was shocked by a Facebook Message which seem to spring up out of nowhere. It was from an old schoolmate from Winnipeg. He said he was going to visit from out of town and he invited her to a small, casual reunion at Rocky Point Park, thousands of kilometres from where she grew up.
In school, they had hardly spoken, maybe exchanging a total of 20 words during the two years they attended school together. Nadia was so flattered to be invited and so curious as to why she was included that she had to say, "Yes."
Finally, the day had arrived.
A group of people beckoned her over from the playground. She was relieved to see that the reunion was only a tiny party four: Nadia; a couple of kids that she knew from the hallways; and "the boy" who had invited her.
She knew him has one of the popular kids and she hadn’t even been in his class. He was living in a 50-year-old body, just like her, but he had the same 13-year-old face with bright eyes that had captured her in the 80s.
Nadia blushed — her face betrayed her. She fought the impulse to retreat from the tiny discussion circle.
After some gossip and a few updates, they all agreed to grab some ice cream then settled into invoking nostalgia through conversation. Nadia hung back, watching them discuss the old parties and events that she was never privy to. Sometime, during the conversation, she was struck by how kind everyone was.
Suddenly, The Boy was next to her. "I had a crush on you in grade 8," he said.
Stunned, Nadia could do nothing by stare, blinking quietly, before she finally managed a quick, "What?"
The Boy explained that he’d always liked her, even going so far as to seek counsel from one her teachers about her. He described how he had contemplated confessing the truth to her in school, but never did. Nadia, of course, had been oblivious to it all.
Unsure of how to react. She simply smiled and nodded, even though her head was spinning.
There were no expectations about The Boy’s gift of information and after everyone finished their ice creams, they said their cheerful good-byes with transient promises to do this again sometime, then went their separate ways.
On the walk home from the park, Nadia was shaken. Her crumbling assumptions about herself and the reality of how she was perceived bewildered her. In school, Nadia saw herself as a hermetically sealed team of one. She took comfort, viewing everyone from the shadows because she believed that her separation was imposed by others and therefore was beyond her control. But was it possible that the reality is that she wasn’t as invisible as she thought?
Suddenly, she thought about Graham. He was the boy from high school, who surprised her one weekend by flying in for a visit during her second year at Western University in Ontario. He said it was because he’d been planning to visit London, but when she re-examined those memories, she realized that they’d never really left campus. Was Nadia really the reason for the visit? Were there others who had had tried to let her know how important she was? Echoes of conversations from friends and lovers bounced to the surface, people who had tried communicate her worth, but she never heard, or didn’t listen.
She had spent half a lifetime, dwelling in a sphere of security by blaming others for her personal doubts. More often than not, she would believe that she was smaller or less important than someone, allowing that feeling to hold her back. Perhaps it was time to question that paradigm and accept that maybe she’d controlled he own fate all along.
If she was being truthful, Nadia was pretty sure that she wouldn’t change a thing about how she ended up and her start in life. It had molded her and she was grateful for the result. She’d lived adventures and found love. And now was living in a bubble of comfort with much happiness.
Nadia pulled a sharp intake of breath as Julie’s face popped into her thoughts: her daughter. They were sitting in a café in Newport Village enjoying a hot chocolate after shopping for a special item that Julie needed to decorate the locker. It was the first time that Julie was going to have a locker as this was to be her first year at middle school. Excitement was in the air.
After her plans for her locker were finalized, Julie’s smile faded. Her voice was quiet when she revealed a confession, “I’ve come to realize that I don’t like myself very much from the outside,” she had said.
When Nadia’s expression fell, Julie quickly added, “It’s only from the outside, Mom. It’s not that bad.”
Julie was trying desperately to appear brave for her mother as she described how her clothing choices and hobbies separated her from classmates and left her feeling invisible. She was pragmatic as she described what she saw as was a "necessary truth."
Nadia’s heart had broken.
Nadia paused on her journey back home. She wished that she could transplant her new understanding into her beautiful and quirky child, but she knew that she couldn’t. She yearned to force her child to see the truth of her own power, that what made her daughter unique also made her strong. And that being particular had made Nadia’s own life interesting.
But Nadia had spent her life pulling herself forward, and her confidence was hard-earned. Words would never replace experience. Her words would likely not be heard. For now, all she could do was be present for Julie and see her as she was. Nadia could hold her when she was feeling weak, and remind her that there are strong people who love her and always will.
On the way home from the park that day, Nadia remained perplexed. Amazed at how life remains on the round. Always constant in how it repeats itself.
And how no one is ever really invisible.
- Tracey Schaeffer, Port Moody
✍️ Do you have a short story you'd like to share? Submit your fiction or non-fiction piece, up to 2,500 words, to [email protected].
Be sure to include:
- your name
- your city
- the story title
- a photo to complement the story
- your public contact and social media information (optional)
