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We live in times that are marked with social and economic uncertainty. There is also a growing recognition for many people in middle class North America that their comfortable, high-achieving lifestyle doesn't always result in the happiness they imagined it would.
There often comes a time when we ask ourselves "Is this all there is?" or "Am I happy?"
We may not ask "How can I be happy?" exactly but may just experience a building uneasiness that spurs on to want to make changes in our lives because we want to enjoy it more, or feel better, or are less tired, anxious or stressed
What if it turned out that in searching for that elusive happiness you're looking for the wrong thing in all the wrong ways? In his book The Happiness Trap, Dr. Russ Harris suggests the very beliefs you have about happiness may be what is actually making you miserable.
What is happiness?
Aristotle said happiness was the only thing that man wanted for which he could give no good reason. A simple definition of happiness is feeling good - enjoying life and feeling wonderful - whereas unhappiness is feeling bad and wishing things were different.
Is it normal or even possible to be happy all the time? Mental health statistics would suggest otherwise: The Canadian Mental Health Association reports that one out of five Canadians will personally experience a mental illness in their lifetime. The World Health Organization ranks depression as the leading cause of disability worldwide. Almost one out of every two people will go through a period in their life when they consider suicide and one in 10 people will actually attempt to kill themselves. Around 20% of the world's children and adolescents plus 30% of adults are estimated to have mental disorders.
Just think for a minute about what these figures mean, that of all the people you know, almost half of them will at some point be so unhappy that they will seriously think about suicide - and one in 10 will attempt it.
Part of the problem may be that when we strive to be happy all of the time, we will inevitably fail because emotions by their very nature are fleeting. Feelings come and go, often like waves that wash over us, but they never last, which is a good thing when it comes to the not so pleasant ones.
So then why can't we at least be happy more often? Why does happiness seem to be difficult for people to find? Perhaps it is because we are constantly focusing on what we are lacking rather than what we have. We worry about whether people like us or if we are doing the right thing or if we did something wrong or if something terrible is about to happen. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and feeling we don't measure up. We may evaluate and or criticize ourselves as not being good enough or not having enough or even not being happy enough.
It is really not surprising that we are often left feeling dissatisfied and depressed instead of happy. But while feelings like sadness, anxiety and anger are an inevitable part of life, these emotions do not necessarily have to overwhelm us to the point where we feel we no longer are in control. Although it is impossible to avoid pain in life, we can learn how to weaken its grasp on us, reduce the number of times it occurs and the amount of time it hangs around. It is very possible to learn to handle pain and uncomfortable emotions in a way such that they do not have as great of an impact or influence on our lives.
The ultimate question is how? First is to learn how you tend get stuck in an endless cycle of worry and grief. You need to understand this process first in order to get unstuck and prevent yourself from falling into the trap in the future.
The next step is learning how to change your relationship with painful thoughts and feelings so that they will be less devastating, time-consuming and soul-crushing. This then clears the way for you to be able to stop and enjoy the moment, here and now, with your family.
At this point, you can then pursue a totally different type of happiness.
Happiness can also mean living a meaningful, productive life. When we take action based on our values, in directions we consider worthy and purposeful, we experience powerful feelings of a life well lived. This can be a more attainable and lasting type of happiness.
Stop chasing momentary happy thoughts and feelings, and instead choose to spend your time and energy creating a rich and meaningful life that is fulfilling, satisfying and long lasting.
- this article was written by Dr. Lisa Eisen, R.Psych #1144, who practises at Tri-City Psychology Services, in Coquitlam. Info: 604-939-9988.
